Heartbroken

There's no other word for it. I am heartbroken. It's strange to have this feeling again after so long, yet here it is, gnawing my insides. Turning me inside out.

The ironic part is that all this heartbreak wasn't caused by my husband. Nor by my children. And I certainly have no lover to speak of who would crush my heart so. The person who has broken my heart into bloody bits is none other than my estranged brother.

It's too tedious for me to recount the multiple episodes that have led to his estrangement. The short of it though has to do with his cutting off his ties with me and my mom, and choosing to live his life with his lady love apart from us. Not that it was an either/or scenario, but situations got complicated and hands were forced. Alas, I, who was just trying to help out my mom from thousands of miles away, was collateral damage. I was just "deleted" and forced out of all consciousness entirely. Without explanation, just like a furtive lover who has gone out in the wee hours of the day, never to be seen again.

So here I am, heartbroken. I feel duped and betrayed. I know that I should be angry, but my idiotic heart is crying out for a reason, an explanation. But pride is keeping me from giving in to the impulse.

Alas, like most of those who've been jilted, I lurk around familiar corners... albeit in cyberspace. Hoping for a whiff and to catch a scent. I hate that it's making a stalker out of me, but sometimes I can't help it. I glean news from where I can and get my heart broken all over again over developments that I deem significant and should have been shared with family and loved ones.

But he's moved on now. He has shrugged off thirty years of familial love (and yes, all the drama that goes with it). My children will never get to know their uncle as I have known him. With his withdrawal he has also withheld from us future cousins, nieces and nephews... even grandkids.

It's sad. I feel even sadder for my parents, especially my mom. My brother is her favorite child, and it must be a hundred times more heartbreaking for her than for me. I can only wish that he'll never get the same gut-wrenching heartbreak that he's caused us. For when he does, he won't have his family to console him.

Facing "An Inconvenient Truth"

The DVD of "An Inconvenient Truth" has been sitting in my DVD drawer for days before I got around to watching it. As usual, I've been using my hectic schedule as an excuse to procrastinate. I had to force myself to watch it last Friday since my movie queue was getting longer on Netflix and won't budge unless I start watching the movies that I already have with me.

This documentary blew me away! Despite my meager, and maybe misinformed, impression of Al Gore as a caricature of a politician, his edited presentation on the environment just floored me. He was clear and concise, and he used just the right touch of humor in his presentation. He brought the issue of global warming and its effects in terms that everybody could relate to in hopes that each listener will be propelled into action. And that's where I am right now. I am propelled into action.

I encourage EVERYONE to watch this documentary, from the cynics to the environmental activists. It's disconcerting to see that, like it or not, we all are contributing to global warming. To enjoy the level of convenience that most of us have, we are slowly wreaking havoc on earth. At the end of the day, Al Gore is correct in saying that global warming and its adverse effects shouldn't be considered a political issue, rather, it has become a moral issue.

What fascinated me to the documentary is not its "doom and gloom" slideshow. Rather, it is the hope that we still have that time window to stall the continued onslaught to the environment. And that maybe someday, we can even reverse it. Now, more than ever, I am more vigilant about recycling and conserving energy. I use CFL bulbs on most of my light fixtures (I can't use them on totally enclosed fixtures and those on dimmers). I'm setting my thermostat even lower on the cold season and warmer this summer. Even long before, DH and I have promised ourselves to buy energy-efficient appliances. Hopefully, my family and I will lessen our impact on the environment, or at least, have a more positive impact to it.

I guess that the next steps for me will be inquiring about alternative sources of energy (wind power?) that our energy company can provide, and how much more expensive it's going to be. Let's face it, money is still an issue especially for us. But I guess that if it won't be significantly more expensive, I'll be switching to it if it's available... or once it becomes available.

Ultimately, I think than more than a temporary spurt of passion for the environment, it should be a way of life. Saving the earth should be ingrained in all our actions. In the end, we ourselves will be less wasteful and more conscious of what we bring in. Al Gore said this towards the end of his presentation, Future generations may well have occasion to ask themselves, "'What were our parents thinking? Why didn't they wake up when they had a chance?' We have to hear that question from them, now."

Please, do your part. Save the only home that we have. For ourselves. And for our children to come.

Finding the Will to Compact

I came across an online article last week about a group of friends who swore to "Compact" last year. Their intentions are certainly noble and their efforts towards earth conservation very admirable. The Compact's mission statement is quoted below:

"1) to go beyond recycling in trying to counteract the negative global environmental and socioeconomic impacts of U.S. consumer culture, to resist global corporatism, and to support local businesses, farms, etc. -- a step, we hope, inherits the revolutionary impulse of the Mayflower Compact
2) to reduce clutter and waste in our homes (as in trash Compact-er)
3) to simplify our lives (as in Calm-pact)"

The gist of it, or dare I say the challenge, is to help control the mindless consumption of goods that will just as soon clutter up the home and eventually our landfills. Thereby, to sign yourself up for the Compact, you have to exert all efforts to purchase used items (at consignment stores, thrift stores, etc.) and only if they are truly necessary. Some exceptions are the purchase of essential toiletries, underwear (it's funny as one was quoted as she'd rather make her own underwear than buy used), medicine and food. It's not all too dire, however. Once a year Compacters get what's called a "Jubilee Day" wherein they give themselves the greenlight to purchase whatever they want regardless of its condition.

Now, I was initially intrigued with the movement (if I may call it that). To NOT buy anything NEW is simply astounding for me. I know that I'm not as much a shopaholic as I was a decade ago, but still, to NOT BUY ANYTHING NEW?! But as I look around my own home and see the mind-numbing clutter that never seems to get in control, I began to understand the need within me to do something. So, seeking inspiration and ideas, I joined the compact egroup (JUST the egroup!), and it was really interesting what kind of thoughts and ideas that were bounced around. Anyway, for better or for worse, I thought that I might as well take some baby steps towards Compacting.

First of, let me make clear that I don't think that I can compact for a year. I think that I can do it for myself alone, but I can't do it for my family's behalf. There's a suggestion to do it from month to month. Even that might prove to be too tough for me. So I've decided to just take it from week to week beginning this Sunday.

And now, before I begin, I am going around the house taking stock of all the stuff that I and my family have accumulated. I think that I've mentioned this before, but for a struggling family, we piled on quite a heap. Sorting through my children's clothing, I never realized just how many clothes they both have. While I am happy when they are gifted with clothes, I take a bigger part of the blame with their bulging closets. Although I usually buy on clearance, getting those $5 shirts still add up and my children can very well go through all their clothes in a month without me having to do their laundry. And these are children who are both under five! And please don't let me start on their toys!

And then I also found a few knickknacks that I bought just because it's super cheap, but have now ended up being tucked away in drawers. There's a cookie cutter set that I got two years ago that I have yet to use. They're Halloween themed and I usually cop out to buying candies on Halloween rather than baking sugar cookies and decorating them. There's a complete twin bedding set that I got on sale. In truth, the set is really lovely, and for the price and brand, quite a steal. I bought it last year picturing it on AT's bed, a perfect complement to her room. The only problem is, AT still sleeps in her crib and may not even be ready to move on to her toddler bed until Spring! So I'm guessing that this bedding set will make its way out of the bag by the time AT turns four and that's TWO YEARS AWAY!

So maybe, this really is my call to curb my needless spending more than anything else. As important as it is to save the earth, it's just as important to save myself. To get a grip and just put true value on whatever is necessary. A plush towel might be dirt cheap at $2, but do I really need one when I've already got ten in the linen closet? I guess that this might be my year to simplify my life and pare down the excesses. Let's just see how far along I can go.


Compact sources:
http://sfcompact.blogspot.com/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/thecompact/