October PMS Part 1

I had a really bad week last week.

I was getting into gear for PMSing and the tell-tale signs were getting clearer with each passing day I got closer to my expected period. Having said that, I guess that compared to where I am right now in the PMS scale (a 12 out of 10 and counting --- so my DH is praying hard that the red tide will come in soon to wash this biatch away), I was still in a pretty amiable state.

Until I got a phone call from DM.

Usually phone calls from her hardly get me ruffled. Living more than 5,000 miles apart has a way of smoothing out the underlying friction that seems to have always been between us. There are more pleasantries exchanged and, in our case, absence does make the heart grow fonder. Any remark that could have been taken out of context and taken offense from would be quickly waved off and forgotten. But not this time.

While the actual conversation would probably constitute another entry unto itself, let it suffice for now to say that my DM made a casual remark that was very hurtful to me. Only she made this comment so casually and so unwittingly that it took quite some time for the true effect of her words to sink in and poison me. It's like being pierced very swiftly by a sharp thin knife where you won't even know you've been struck until you see a growing blood stain on your shirt. And that was what happened on that day. The blood stain that was brought on by the impact of what she said just kept spreading until my day was soaked with it.

This was compounded by the fact that my usually darling AJ became Dennis the Menace intensified when we were at the mall with my friend, ED and her kids. In the mall that same day, AJ was moody and then hyperactive, trying to top off his friend, CD's antics. This broke my already fragile hold on myself and I just found myself transforming into one of those moms. You know, those moms who yell at their kids in public, threatening to smack them right there and then if they don't shape up...and fast. Those moms who you could only weakly smile at and then, if you caught their eye, quickly look and go elsewhere. Those moms who you quietly point out to your kids and say, "Be glad I'm not like her!" On this day, I was her.

Well, I didn't really yell at AJ. But anybody listening to my tone and looking at me can very well tell that I was already mentally throttling AJ for his misbehaviour. Then when I told AJ to come out of Gymboree with me so that he could get his timeout, he just refused to budge and was trying to make a scene by holding on to the clothes rack and crying. Now, let me be clear, I was just going to give him a timeout at one of the benches outside the store. But the way AJ was howling, anyone would think that I promised to put him on a rack and break every bone on his body. He was just thrashing and begging "No please, Mommy!" at the top of his voice.

So, I was left with no choice but to walk out of the store (with my poor and bewildered AT in the stroller) knowing that AJ will come running after me. Boy, he ran after me --- while howling even louder making me look like I was really going to abandon him in the mall and leave him to the wolves (figuratively speaking of course)!

By the time I got AJ to settle down for some quiet time for his timeout, I was so livid I should've taken a timeout myself. A timeout away from home where DM couldn't call and make hurtful and flippant remarks about me. A timeout away from my kids who alternately push me beyond my limits to love them --- and in this case, to discipline them. Yes, maybe even a timeout from my DH just so I can have some quiet time and think about the things that I have done.

But of course, these thoughts pass and then I was thinking straight again. Thankfully, so was AJ. The rest of the afternoon was spent mulling over other trivial things... and still, the comment DM made hung on.

By the time the kids were in bed and DH and I were getting ready to sleep ourselves, I finally related the conversation to DH. I didn't realize how badly I took it until I was sobbing in his arms. I mean, I was hurt this bad and my DM has no idea of the pain she has caused. For all she knows, we just had one of our usual pleasant updates and chitchats.

Fortunately, DH was in a listening mood that night. He helped me cry everything out and just affirmed what I already knew deep inside. He said that my DM was just being her sometimes tackless self by dropping that remark. She probably didn't mean it to be as bad as I took it to be. Maybe my PMS exacerbated everything and I just went downhill from there.

Knowing this doesn't really lessen the pain, but it helps me not to dwell too much about it and to divert my attention elsewhere. And having begun my PMS streak for the month of October, I may be doing just that.