Heartbroken
There's no other word for it. I am heartbroken. It's strange to have this feeling again after so long, yet here it is, gnawing my insides. Turning me inside out.
The ironic part is that all this heartbreak wasn't caused by my husband. Nor by my children. And I certainly have no lover to speak of who would crush my heart so. The person who has broken my heart into bloody bits is none other than my estranged brother.
It's too tedious for me to recount the multiple episodes that have led to his estrangement. The short of it though has to do with his cutting off his ties with me and my mom, and choosing to live his life with his lady love apart from us. Not that it was an either/or scenario, but situations got complicated and hands were forced. Alas, I, who was just trying to help out my mom from thousands of miles away, was collateral damage. I was just "deleted" and forced out of all consciousness entirely. Without explanation, just like a furtive lover who has gone out in the wee hours of the day, never to be seen again.
So here I am, heartbroken. I feel duped and betrayed. I know that I should be angry, but my idiotic heart is crying out for a reason, an explanation. But pride is keeping me from giving in to the impulse.
Alas, like most of those who've been jilted, I lurk around familiar corners... albeit in cyberspace. Hoping for a whiff and to catch a scent. I hate that it's making a stalker out of me, but sometimes I can't help it. I glean news from where I can and get my heart broken all over again over developments that I deem significant and should have been shared with family and loved ones.
But he's moved on now. He has shrugged off thirty years of familial love (and yes, all the drama that goes with it). My children will never get to know their uncle as I have known him. With his withdrawal he has also withheld from us future cousins, nieces and nephews... even grandkids.
It's sad. I feel even sadder for my parents, especially my mom. My brother is her favorite child, and it must be a hundred times more heartbreaking for her than for me. I can only wish that he'll never get the same gut-wrenching heartbreak that he's caused us. For when he does, he won't have his family to console him.
The ironic part is that all this heartbreak wasn't caused by my husband. Nor by my children. And I certainly have no lover to speak of who would crush my heart so. The person who has broken my heart into bloody bits is none other than my estranged brother.
It's too tedious for me to recount the multiple episodes that have led to his estrangement. The short of it though has to do with his cutting off his ties with me and my mom, and choosing to live his life with his lady love apart from us. Not that it was an either/or scenario, but situations got complicated and hands were forced. Alas, I, who was just trying to help out my mom from thousands of miles away, was collateral damage. I was just "deleted" and forced out of all consciousness entirely. Without explanation, just like a furtive lover who has gone out in the wee hours of the day, never to be seen again.
So here I am, heartbroken. I feel duped and betrayed. I know that I should be angry, but my idiotic heart is crying out for a reason, an explanation. But pride is keeping me from giving in to the impulse.
Alas, like most of those who've been jilted, I lurk around familiar corners... albeit in cyberspace. Hoping for a whiff and to catch a scent. I hate that it's making a stalker out of me, but sometimes I can't help it. I glean news from where I can and get my heart broken all over again over developments that I deem significant and should have been shared with family and loved ones.
But he's moved on now. He has shrugged off thirty years of familial love (and yes, all the drama that goes with it). My children will never get to know their uncle as I have known him. With his withdrawal he has also withheld from us future cousins, nieces and nephews... even grandkids.
It's sad. I feel even sadder for my parents, especially my mom. My brother is her favorite child, and it must be a hundred times more heartbreaking for her than for me. I can only wish that he'll never get the same gut-wrenching heartbreak that he's caused us. For when he does, he won't have his family to console him.
posted by gal in progress | 3:44 PM
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